Most men learn from a young age that all penis injuries can be agonizing, and most go to great lengths to engage in proper penis care in order to avoid trauma to the boys downstairs - and with good reason. While most injuries to the male tissue are relatively minor, some can lead to long-term problems such as infertility or even deformity. Here are just some of the nightmare-inducing problems that men can only hope they never encounter.

1) Trapped penis - also known as invaginated penis, it goes like this: Something rams into the penis hard enough to send the entire shaft up into the body cavity, essentially turning the tool inside out. All that is left outside the body is a tube of skin, like a straw or an elephant’s trunk. While the problem is reported to be reversible through "manual extraction," this process is best left unimagined.

2) Ruptured testicles - it turns out that the phrase "you’re breaking my balls" is not just picturesque - it can actually happen. A stiff blow to the jewels can result in ruptured tissue that requires surgical repair.

3) Fractured penis - as with the testicles, the penis itself can be broken, although there is no real bone in the boner, so to speak. The rigid tissue that surrounds the erectile chambers may be ruptured by blunt force trauma or by twisting and bending, resulting in a swift trip to the emergency room.

4) Laptop burns - for men who actually use their laptops on their laps, it seems there is a real danger of long-term damage. According to science, the heat generated by a laptop is enough to raise the temperature of the testicles to sperm-killing levels within ten minutes, and it is estimated that half of the cases of male infertility may be related to over-toasting the seeds.

5) Saxophone penis - this rare condition, which is caused by a blocked lymph node (or, in some cases, chlamydia), causes the penis to swell and twist until it resembles a saxophone.

6) Fistula - this disorder (probably) has nothing to do with a fist. Instead, it occurs as a result of muscle tears in the groin area that result in crossed wires, of a sort - where urine is leaked from the backside, and fecal matter is excreted from the urethra. Once again, surgical repair is required.

Preventing and soothing penis pain

Fortunately, most men will never have to face any of the horrors described here; on the other hand, though, most men will definitely encounter minor penis problems from time to time, especially if they are lax about caring for the goods.

To avoid penis pain and injury as much as possible, men should follow these common-sense guidelines:

- Always wear a cup during sports. Any time flying projectiles (or flying limbs) are involved, there is a chance that the missile in question could encounter the groin. Covering it up can ensure that the cup, and not the nuts, takes the impact of the blow, decreasing the chances of bruising or even fractures of the penile tissue.

- Always wear a jock, or at least a good pair of compression shorts, during sports like running, skiing and other outdoor activities that might otherwise leave the cojones flapping in the breeze.

- Lay off the acrobatics. A trapeze in the bedroom may sound like a good idea, and it might look good on video, but tricks like these are best left to the professionals. By the same token, it is best to avoid moves like aggressive thrusting, bending and twisting during lovemaking sessions, as these can, in rare instances, lead to painful and potentially disfiguring penile ruptures.

- Always wear underwear. Going commando may allow for a pleasant breeze, and it may feel sexy, but going without drawers increases the chances of catching the skin in the zipper - an injury that is sure to land any man in the emergency room.

In the event that a traumatic injury does occur, emergency medical treatment should be sought. But for lesser issues like dry penis skin, redness or a little soreness following a rough masturbation session, at-home care with cool compresses and over-the-counter pain relievers may be all that is needed.

Men who are especially vigilant about protecting their penis health should also consider using a quality penis health crème (health professionals recommend Man1 Man Oil). Applying a nutrient-rich cream to the tissue in question on a daily basis can relieve the dry and itchy skin that often inflicts the penis, leaving the skin soft and touchable. A targeted penis formula may also enhance the natural sensitivity of the penis, making all types of sensual encounters more enjoyable.